forty six.

so overwhelmed.
my positive attitude about my monster in law coming to visit is taking a turn for the worst. trust me, i've really tried. i was already irritated at the fact that she is coming in 3 weeks and she had yet to let us know any flight plans, and hadn't talked to Mike in 2 weeks. if you're coming to stay with us, don't you think you need to coordinate things with us, and talk to us? not to mention the nice email i sent to her went unreplied. well, i made Mike call her this weekend, and she hasn't booked yet. he had to change his leave because he was going to the field, which, made this even MORE stressful. here he was going to be in the field for 5 days, and come back, when his mother was already here. leaving me to clean up the house, get groceries for all of us, AND entertain the broad until he got back. even for a few hours, thats too much to ask! so he's going to be gone all week, come home, and have her here for a week, is that not just a tad too much?! for now, he isn't going, but i doubt that will ease anything in the situation.
tonight she called to say she was going to fly saturday, instead of friday. we thought she meant TO here. Saturday is the day that we are going to the zoo, and i will not let her fuck that up. so, my anger escalated.  this is my sons first birthday weekend, when i want to leave the house, we're leaving. whether you're flying or whatever. this isn't about her, this is about the nice weekend i am planning for my son. thankfully, Mike had my back and said it was up to me, and she couldn't come any earlier because i have a life and make plans with my friends. well, she was meaning leaving. so, she's leaving on saturday, not friday. she's going to be here 8 fucking days. 8 days! after that first weekend, we have no plans. theres nothing to do here. and i don't want to sit there and listen to her bitch for 8 days. then she starts talking about his sister, throwing parties while she's gone and what have you. who cares?! if you're going to sit in my house and worry or moan about it, don't come! seriously. not to mention, she wants to stay in our spare bedroom with an air mattress because our "couches hurt her back" really? really?! our spare bedroom, you can barely open the door. with all Mikes gear and the baby things, yes, that we will get to when we have time. no, you can not stay in there. so Mike said she could put it in the living room. is she going to deflate it every morning?! i know how big those things are and i do not need that taking up my entire living room, when i've made this house into a home. so, it falls on me to, not only clean the house top to bottom, take care of a child, get things ready for someone i can't stand to be around, now i have to bust my balls to get that room in order so that fat cow isn't in my living room for EIGHT DAYS! how lovely, right? as if, once again, i don't have enough of my plate.
i asked Mike why she was talking about Tiffany and he asked why the hell i cared. i blew up then and told him i was done. i already don't like any of this and here he is, being a complete dick about it. this is my house, and my rules. i'm not ready, nor so i have time or energy to dig through our spare bedroom. she doesn't get what she wants, when do i ever?! she either stays in a fucking hotel, or sleeps on my couch. this isn't a vacation honey, you're here to meet my son. and if i have it my way, i won't be home with him too much. i'm going to carry on my normal life while she's here and her and her son can chill while my son and i do what we normally do, especially going to lunch and hanging out with Monique. i refuse to let Mike have Ryder alone with that woman, i already have to remind him enough to change his diaper while i'm around since he doesn't do it automatically, and he already disregards my parenting skills enough. i'm not dumb.  and he's my child and during a normal day, he goes everywhere with me, that won't change, at all.
i shouldnt have to be this stressed out to have a visitor, even if it is someone that i don't like. when my parents came they came, to see me and my son and to help me out. they drove everywhere, they paid for groceries, my mom and i stayed up late to clean up the house, and to drink wine coolers and goof off. we had things to talk about. we had heart to hearts, even my dad and i. they were here completely for me. my dad didn't complain about traffic, or plane tickets, or anything else that Trish already has. they were perfectly fine with sleeping on my couches, they let me take naps if i needed it, they helped with Ryder. it was a little break from life for me. and this, this is already hell and i don't see it getting much better. and now i'm starting to feel like Mike isn't even on my side with what i want. i already told him, before all this, what i say, goes. and when i told him that she needs to stay in a hotel, he told me no. really? so i told him, i will make that week hell if i have to, or he can enjoy a lot of alone time with his mom. i have places i can go, things i can do, and stay overnight. if i dont feel like being here, i won't be and neither will my son. and i won't be keeping my mouth shut. last time i was so upset and hurt that i hid in my bedroom for 3 days. i won't be doing that anymore. you better believe giving birth on my own and raising a baby alone for six months gave me some fucking balls. i can't wait until she tries to bring up Mikes old friends. there is going to be hell in the Nelson household. its just so infuriated that i'm feeling this way, right about the same time as my sons first birthday. i shouldnt have to feel this way. again.

and yesterday was such a good day for us too. it just isn't fair, i wish she didn't even exist. and i have tried so hard to just get over it. and now i feel like Mike is slipping from my grip on all of this too. and i will remove my son and myself from this situation so it's not a repeat of last year. i just want this over with, but this will really show how strong our marriage is and how far we have come. so after she leaves, i get to make an even bigger decision for the kids and i. he knew we hated one another when we got married, so if that was going to be an issue he shouldnt have married be, or started a family with me. she ought to know her place with my husband, she wasnt even told we were getting married, she wasnt even invited to our wedding. come on now. you better watch your step lady!

i guess i can't complain too much yet, i dont know how it will all go down. maybe she grew a brain, and maybe he grew some balls. i can only hope! but until then i'm not doing everything myself. and i will have multiple backup plans, and i wont be sitting around doing nothing all week. and i wont make plans with her either, this is Mikes doing. i wouldnt expect him to do everything for my parents visit. so i'm going to sit on my ass, and try not to give a fuck that it's my house and it isn't the way i want it to be. i know where i stand and this is my home and no one will take that away from me. i don't care who you are. i just want to crawl into a hole with my little boy and shelter him for as long as i can. i have my fingers crossed that i wont be doing this on my own. why does she have to suck so incredibly, extremely bad? and i hope Mike can see this even more when she comes and just never want anything to do with her again.

breathe kimmy, breathe. it's one week, and you won't have to deal with her for another year and a half. i can do this, i got this. i have the reigns, i have the baby, i make the rules. no more give and take, when nothing is given back. i can do this. i hope.

-ks

forty five.

so very many little things.

to be thankful for in life. i wish that people took a step back and realize how amazing life is, and how much you're missing. i, of course, am one of those from time to time. but this weekend, i know that i am lucky. and always will be.

this weekend, my little boy took his very first real steps. he has been toddling all over the house ever since. he takes quite a few steps at a time and realizes he isn't getting where he wants to go fast enough and gets down to bear crawl. and he walked straight into my arms this morning and it was the most beautiful feeling in this world. my little bear is growing up, to be such a wonderful little boy. watching him play every day is the best thing i could be doing with my life. he loves to play with his busy balls, and is so interested in what is inside. he likes to put things, into other things. a few times mike has found a bottle or a binky in his shoe or boot, and he likes to put wrappers into Mike's cover. just a little piece of his baby to take with him to work. he is starting to climb, onto everything! whether it be a box or a suitcase, or trying to scale our TV stand, he even climbed up onto the couch the other day by himself. it's amazing what a little less than a years time can do for one small little boy. he babbles, ALL the time. i really think that he is going to be one of those little kids where, unless you're around him a lot, and know who he is, that you won't ever understand his secret language. i love when he wakes up and just starts talking, telling me all about his dreams and sleep. or crawls over to me to tell me something, then just walks away. he's a really busy baby, always curious about the little things. he is learning to play with his toys now. he has a cow toy from his Mimi with different animal pictures and you press it and it has the animal name and sounds, and i am constantly hearing it yell, "rooster!"from his play area. he presses the buttons with one little finger now, and now just slams his hands onto it. which, he still does my laptop, haha. for his birthday i got him an animal laptop that can teach him numbers and shapes and animals. i showed it to him to see if he liked it and he was sitting there pressing the different buttons. i swear he is way too advanced for toys his age. i show him half the toys for his age and he doesn't like them. they're boring to him, and i think it's adorable! he loves his stuffed animals, especially his Scout dog. he carries that thing around and gives him "lubbins" when he finds him in his pile of toys. he's also very.. different. lol. when i tell him he can bring one toy bye bye, he usually grabs his booger sucker, that if you get close to his nose, he will scream, or a pair of baby nail clippers, that he fights you so hard over, it's like world war 3. he will be satisfied if you give him your keys though, which is always a good thing in case of an emergency. he's starting to get a little attitude. when you tell him "no", he will stick out his lip and give you his little eyes, and just stare at you. it's seriously the cutest little thing, i can't get over it. it kills me every time! and he listens to mommy over daddy. when we give him a bath and he tries to stand up, i sternly tell him to sit on his bottom and he does. when Mike says it, he just smiles at Mike, and doesn't. it's adorable. but he sure loves his dad and already tries to mimick him. Mike went in the corner of the couch and crouched down, trying to hide and Ryder goes up to him and sticks himself in the corner too. a lot of the noises Mike makes, Ryder gives them right back. and whenever Mike puts his hat on, Ryder wants to wear it too. he has the worlds biggest personality and the brightest little smile. he's always so happy. he sleeps through the night and takes naps still during the day, which gives me time to rest. he is so independent and plays by himself in his play corner for hours, just examining everything that he has. and then brings me a toy to play with and crawls away. he's a little stink butt and i honestly have no idea how i ever lived without him. he's amazing.

i am thankful for my husband and how far we have come. and his testicles for giving me my two beautiful babies. and always being on my side in life, finally. i am so glad that we went through, all that we went through, if it means getting us right here, right now. and all our ups and downs, i still can not imagine life without him, ever. not even for a day, for a moment more than he is at work. and i am so happy that he is here with us now. and even if we do fight, i would take fighting with him, over not being with him, any day of the week. he's an amazing man, husband, and daddy. especially a daddy, and that makes me fall in love with him even more, all the time.

i am so glad that my mom and i are close, through all this distance. even if she gets on my nerves and we butt heads often, she loves me. she's still my best friend, and i know that i can tell her anything at all. i like that, even if she doesn't want us to, she's going to be there for us with our big move, and provide us a place to stay for a little while, all of us. and i know that she whole heartedly loves my children. she cares about them more than i will ever imagine anyone else doing in all their lives. even if she doesn't think the timing was right for me, she loves them so, so much. and it isn't because she buys them things like my mother in law seems to think, it's because she actually cares to ask how they are doing. she's always there for me to lean on and i know that i am me, because of her. and i have my children, because of her. 

i am thankful for Monique and Steven for being there for us, always. i dont think she knows how much i appreciate our little lunches or Walmart runs. i am glad i know who my real friends are and they are always there for me.

i am so happy i have the ability to breathe. and speak, and see, and hear. i love words and can not live without them. i have no idea what i would do if i couldnt stare at my beautiful baby every day. or see him smile, or hear him giggle. i am so happy to be alive, every day of my life. and now, i'm going to fall asleep happy, knowing i get to wake up in the morning and have even one more precious day with my little baby. and tomorrow, is going to be another beautiful day. <3

-ks. 

forty four.

i can no longer feel bad.
about losing a friendship with Lindsay.
today, Mike and Travis were talking about how weird Parsons was. we got to talking about i told them that supposedly, Nick was suppose to propose to Lindsay when she came down next weekend. Travis let me know, that he has never heard of her before. that Nick never says anything about her, but he did take another girl on his motorcycle up in the mountains, and was flirting with the new boot often. i kind of did a double take. this wasn't just Mike talking now, this was a complete outside source. i really had to sit and think about it, but i knew that if i didn't say something to her, i would have a heavy heart. that i would want someone to tell me if my boyfriend was doing that out here. so, i decided to go out on a limb and text her to let her know.
she told me she broke up with him today.
she explained to me that she had caught him cheating back in January when she was here, and she should have broken up with him then, but he had bawled his eyes out and begged her not to. that no one had loved him like she had since his mom passed away. she was hoping that he would change and so she stayed with him. but she couldn't take it anymore, or trust him at all, so she cancelled her flight here and broke it off, even though he begged her to still come. she told me that she was furious with the way  handled things and how hurt she was at what i said to her friend, who shouldnt have been involved in the first place. whether or not Lindsay told her to put her foot in, she did, and it wasn't where it needed to be. someone that has never, will never, meet me, and shouldnt know a damn thing about me had the nerve to not only message me starting crap, but to message Mike's old account when it was active to tell him if she ever meets his wife, she's kicking my ass. it was completely uncalled for and i stand by what i said, that is she was that childish to do such things, she had no right being a mother. so here, Lindsay did all this to herself. as i was sitting here trying to protect her from getting hurt, she already knew that this wasn't serious anymore. that Nick was cheating and lying. she fought with me to tell me that i was wrong, when i was right all along. she herself threw our friendship out the window, it wasn't me at all! though, i really hadn't expected for Nick to be this much of a douche bag, but i knew it would all fall apart either way. and it did, and this is exactly what i was trying to keep her away from. i didn't tell her i was sorry about how i handled things, and i didn't tell her that i was sorry for Ashley, because i'm not, at all. i did say that yes, i was in a tough time in my life and i shouldn't have blown up, and that i was sorry she had to go through what she did. i don't ever expect to be friends with her again, and i'm perfectly fine with that. she isn't needed, if she was really that dumb to know that Parsons want being faithful and yet still tell me she was moving out here and getting married and shit. really? like, come on now, how desperate are you? just pisses me off, completely.
but then again, now i want to kick Parsons in the face even harder for being dumber than i thought. kid, you can't get anyone, and you throw the one person willing to be with you, away. i really think he's just trying to fill the void of his mom being gone, with women. it makes no sense to me. but i am glad Colbert even agreed that he's a weirdo, finally! ahahaha.

sad that i was right and it sucks that someone got hurt in the process, but it serves her right. i'm about 97% right on all things. people really ought to start listening to me!

forty three.

this time one year ago.
all his bags were packed, but he wasn't ready to go.
we were standing there outside the door.
we both hated the thought os saying goodbye.
we drove to base in silence, clinging to one anothers hand. there were no words for what we were about to go through. my face was tear stained, our hearts heavy, it was the most cruel April Fools joke, in this world.
it was freezing, i was 37 weeks pregnant, and my husband was about to leave for Afghanistan. it didnt really hit us until the busses rolled up. they formed up and got in line, to leave his wife and unborn son for 7 long, long months.
Monique and i stayed there, until the buses left, crying.
thinking back on that night a year ago, i can not even begin to describe what i felt then, or what i feel now. i look back then and can not believe how much everything has changed between us. this time last year, i wanted to walk away from my marriage, i hated every part of life and had no idea how to survive on my own, in a house, with a newborn baby, on my own. i was terrified of what every day held for me while he was gone. i had no idea what to expect for the next 7 months. i barely had confidence in myself to leave the house, and i had no idea what to think of my husband that had just left, on top of millions of problems. i felt so helpless.
now, a year later, i have never had more confidence in myself. as a mother, and as a wife. not only do i have one very vivacious child, i have another beautiful little one on the way. i now enjoy every day instead of dread it. and i no longer think of walking away from my marriage. most of those millions of problems have been fixed and our marriage is so, so very much better. i smile, a lot more. and sitting here, in my living room, with my husband and Travis, with our son sleeping upstairs, i could not be more thankful. i know exactly who i am, i am thankful for my husband and our perfect little boy. i know that ups and downs will happen, and that i will get over it. as sure as the sun comes up in the morning and goes down again.
we talk more about our future now, when before he left, we didn't. we didn't even have a plan. and now, while driving in the truck listening to country music, we dream and talk about what we want, all the time. we enjoy our baby boy. we laugh a lot more than we use to, and our fights are a lot less. i really think Deployment helped us, a lot. it made us appreciate the little things. we got to fall in love again through emails, and Skype dates, just lying there staring at one another. even though things were difficult when he got home, things are pretty amazing now. i can honestly say that our marriage did not start until Homecoming night. and i am okay with that. all the hard times are nearly forgotten. and i am so happy we got a second chance at us.

i honestly can not believe how we hung on to each other, and our life together. and i think the biggest part of that, is because of Ryder. and i couldnt be happier with my perfect little family. ups, downs, and all arounds.

i love being able to look at my husband right now. even if he's playing a video game with Travis, sitting seriously like two feet from the television, haha. i like being able to run up and kiss him whenever i want to, and to have an extra set of hands around the house. i like snuggling, i missed that the most. i love the fact that our son is now walking, and his first real steps were right into his Daddys arms. and that we got to take picture of Ryder smashing a cupcake at the park today, together. and play with him, and catch him causing mischief, together. together, together, together. the most wonderful thing i can now say about life. <3

-ks.

forty two.

always left to pick up the pieces. 
words can not describe how i am feeling today. but i know that it will be another night that i do not allow Michael home. i am too hurt and upset to deal with him. once again he left me to deal with everything on my own. and once again i tell myself, what is the point in being married, being a team, when its always just me?
i told him last night that he needed to stay home another day. that he needed to made sure that happened. with Ryder throwing up and not having a good night, at all, i couldn't handle it all by myself. watching him like that killed me, it broke my heart. i was walking back and forth in the kitchen at almost 1 am, him screaming because he didn't feel good. he couldnt tell me what hurt or how to help. i was so upset. but i gave him some crackers and he went back to sleep fine. he hasn't thrown up since about 845 last night, so i think he's done with all that. he has a little bit of juice mixed with pedialyte and watching little einsteins.
last night, i was really convinced that i would be hit next. i was just waiting for it. i fitfully slept on the couch with a bucket right next to me in case i didn't make it to the bathroom. but sure enough, i hear Mike wake up and the sun was up, so i knew i had made it through the night. but that didn't mean anything.
Mike got ready for work and he kissed me on the forehead goodbye. he didn't say anything else. he didn't even ask how i felt, or apologize for leaving. nothing. he left the house s disaster, me still not feeling well, having to clean up his mess from yesterday. there are cracker crumbs all over the floor, i have to once again, chase dogs because he never fixed the holes in the gate. i have to lysol the house, do the dishes, and wash the bedding from our bed and Ryders. and he just, walked out on us. leaving me to fend for myself, with no words at all. this, was his fault. had he not been around, we wouldnt have been sick. my heart wouldnt have broken, seeing my baby like that. once again, only thinking of himself.what happens if i get sick today? he even said himself that he couldnt take care of a baby the way he was yesterday. not to mention, he took our truck, so what if something happened with Ryder, or even me, and we needed to get to the hospital? i just, can not believe it. how he just so casually left.
i spent yesterday rubbing his back, bringing him soup, calling his Sgt so he didn't have to go in. bringing him water and tylenol, constantly asking if he needed things. and i realized, he has never, ever, not once, brought me tylenol for a headache. or made me soup. or comforted me in any way, when i didnt feel good. when we said goodnight last night, i didn't even get an i love you. and it hurts, a lot.
yeah yeah, i know. this is a crabby bitchy post and i'm sure you're reading this like, okay, whats the big deal? but to me, it IS a big deal. i do my best at being a mother and a wife. with no relief at all. i dont have time to be sick, so when i am, i just deal with it. but i would like to think that if i were to be REALLY sick like the boys yesterday, there would be someone there to take care of me, like i was for Mike. and him doing it on his own free will, not me asking him to get me something. there has been many times i had a headache and laid on the couch, and he got up and got himself a tylenol, complaining something else of his hurt. and completely ignoring me.
when i texted him this morning not to even bother coming home, since he left it all to me to pick up, he had no idea why i was freaking out. it wasnt like he had a normal job and just call off. this, i understand. but when hes sick, he gets off, but when he gets the rest of the household sick, he gets to walk away from it all and leave us to fix ourselves. it isn't fair, at all. i only pray i dont feel worse than i do right now, or no one will be able to take care of my 11 month old son. he texted me from work saying he couldnt get off, to drink water, wash my hands, and let him know if i need a ride to the naval hosptial. that was it. i honestly told him, to fuck himself. and i locked the outside door again. i felt no different when i woke up a little bit later. it didnt matter to him how i felt, he never even asked. i slept on the couch last night. how does he know i wasn't in his same position downstairs as he was upstairs all day? it's just, so incredibly sad to me. how little he tends to care. that alone makes me sick to my stomach. i can not keep doing this. every fucking time something gets screwed up in our lives.
i yelled at him last night, while crying, after seeing my son throw up for the first time. that this was all his fault. i kept repeating. that i hate him. and i do, i truely hate him. for last night, and this morning. and all day today. it has barely begun, on little sleep, still sick, and i have to deal with so much. it isn't taking care of my baby. i can do that all day every day, sick or not. its the messes Mike makes and leaves me to clan it all up. right now Mollie is barking and causing noise to be let out. when i let her outside, she's going to get out and be running around outside the house, barking some more. which will cause Indy to bark, and Scout to follow her. we already had a complaint about Scout, but i have too much going on to go chase them, constantly. i have to vaccuum the living room and lysol it down, i have to do multiple loads of laundry and make sure my son eats something easy for his tummy. i have to lysol both bathrooms, and do the dishes that are piling up. and attempt not to forget that i exist and take care of myself as well. i think i will be okay. it's been over 24 hours since mike started throwing up, and over 12 since Ryder has, and so far, still so good. but that doesn't mean i don't still only 45%. with all this left for me to handle, on my own. it just isn't okay, at all. one small person can only take so much. and i'm really over this "give and take" crap.

i am really thankful to have such a good little boy though. i have no idea how i would survive life without him. although i know he still doesnt feel good, he puts a smile on my face, and can still smile at life. i love that he is still so in love with his mama, and even though he was screaming, i am happy that i got to hold and try to comfort him last night. he's just watching cartoons and eating pieces of crackers, and looking adorable like always. i never want him to have to go through all that again. my precious baby boy.

-ks.

forty one.

it's very rare that i am actually proud of myself.
and today, i am.
when i was in high school i had this giant, irrational, terrifying fear of vomiting. it got to the point where i would feel so sick all the time for no reason, and i told myself if i didn't eat, i wouldn't vomit. i'm not sure if it was just the thought of doing it in front of people, or what. but growing up, i rarely had the flu. i have been pregnant twice and yet the last time i threw up, i was a sophomore in high school with the 24 hour stomach bug. right after i graduated i went to JROTC summer camp and they made us chug water after chow and a lot of cadets had thrown up. i was in a panic attack the rest of the night. i couldn't breathe and nearly passed out. i barely ate for the rest of the week and collapsed in the heat from dehydration because i didn't want to drink water for the fear of vomiting it up. i have no idea where this came from. i couldn't hear people talk about it, be around it, listen to it, nothing. my niece had thrown up while we were babysitting and i ran out the door, leaving my nephew behind and my mom to fend for herself and clean it all up. i knew eventually, i would have to get over it. and slowly, i have. i watch the Challenges all the time and you always puke on those, haha. scenes on TV i can stand to watch, if it isn't too gory.
this morning my husband woke up at 5AM, to vomit. i have no idea why i woke up but i heard it and knew what was going on. maybe that was the mom in me. an instant wake up when someone is sick. i mean, i dealt with Ryder spitting up for 6 whole months and it never once phased me, and i know when he's old and has the flu, i will be right there beside him, every step of the way. and i was that way for my husband this morning. there isn't a point to go into details, but i heard and saw things that, a few years ago, would have sent me running. sent me into a full fledged panic attack. i wouldnt have eaten the rest of the week, thinking i was going to catch it next. but i have eaten today, i know that i have too. granted, it has been small stuff, i am currently about to demolish an entire thing of tic tacs, because that just sounds good right now, lol. and i am making my husband soup so he has something in his system. granted, i was a little angry this morning, and a little sad now because he has completely contaminated my two favorite parts of the house, and i refuse to sleep in my bed until the sheets are washed, or take a bath until he disinfects the bathroom. and yes, i will be throwing my toothbrush that is sitting in that bathroom away and getting a new one before i use it again. but hey, compared to a few years ago, i have to say that i am doing pretty good! i called his Sgt to tell him i wasn't even going to attempt to bring him into work today, ready for a battle of them telling me i had to. but he was cool about it. thank goodness.
now i just pray Ryder and i don't get whatever he has going on right now. i couldnt stand to see my baby this miserable, and i couldn't stand to be throwing up and things coming out of holes in my body, i wouldnt be able to take care of my little boy! i'll stick with my head cold that i have been dealing with for a week now, he can keep the bad sickies to himself! and i hope that he feels better soon.
but, his soup is ready. off to go play Doctor Wife. :)

-ks.

forty.

ahahahahaha, okay!
after being so down about the time line shit, i got to ready all my statuses from when Mike and i started dating. first, so much has changed. second, i'm even more crazy about that little butthead than i use to be. and boy was i was cheesy little fuck. so, i do apologize to everyone that was around at that time. but i was happy, thats what mattered. there was only a handful of unhappy statuses before out big blow up break up dealio. i seriously put "i love you mikey" at like the end of every one of them. i can't remember the last time i called him that! and i seriously had a countdown of weeks until he was out of boot camp. how lame! and it's hilarious to think i had no idea what anything in the marine corps was, and thought i was cool because i was dating a Private... seriously? Corporal Nelson sounds so much better now! i had no idea what Pendleton or the MCRD was, let alone this butt fuck egypt town of Twentynine. i thought it was sexy when he wore his dog tags and said OORAH. now i'm like, "dude, take those off and shut the hell up." i cried when he went to MCT for the amount of time he now goes to Viper. where i kiss him goodbye and spend the next 5 weeks not shaving my legs and vegging out on the couch like it ain't no big thing. i thought Boot was the hardest thing in my life. yet i soared through Deployment just fine. it's just so weird. those dating days were just, so funny when i look back on them. 
i love the reminder of how happy we were. i mean, deep down i know we always have been. we have just been fogged by problems and drama. lots and lots of too much drama.  but i love seeing how much we grew up together, and as individuals and how much drama and bullshit we got through together. yeah it hurt and sucked at the time but look at the beauty it created in the end? look at how i got exactly what i wanted and dreamed of since i met him, because i fought for him all that time. even though there were bad times, they weren't that bad. but coming from the situation i had just gotten out of, it seemed like the end of the world back then. he has always treated me with respect, he has had many cute moments. i like how i kept posting that i loved his heart. and i always have. he sucks with emotions. i said, a few weeks after dating that, "he can't express shit unless it's in sound effects." which was so absolutely true! but it also made me realize that i can not remember the last time he actually talked in sound effects. or even said meow, seriously!
throughout our whole big break up... thing. whatever youd call it. all my posts were still, happy. normal. i didn't hate my life. i didn't bash him. i didnt give up. not once. i couldnt accept that things were done between us. neither did he, apparently he said some pretty strong words that i can no longer remember. but something in him gave me hope that this wasn't the end of us. that we were broken, only a little.  "life isn't about the road or your worn out sneakers. it's about the bumps, cracks, and the hills that make it steeper. this isn't about chasing after what you wanted or thought you knew. it's about finding all the pieces and starting anew."  is what i wrote during that time. and its nothing more than the truth. it hurt me, a lot. but i wasn't about to give up on him. i always told him, "don't give up one of the greatest things that could ever happen to you just because you're a little unsure of who you are." and i had to remind him of that all week. that's all it was. a bump in our path. the first big one, and not our last. i'm nowhere near a religious person but i kept telling myself to keep my faith, through the pain. and i did. within myself and within Michael as well. i knew he loved me, still. and always would. i believed his words over anyone's. he was still always mine. <3


i think this is enough lovey dovey gushy blogging for one post. it's also 3am and i'm exhausted and my nose will not stop running. guess i'll fall asleep next to my husband. whom i love so much more right now. :)


-ks.