forty five.

so very many little things.

to be thankful for in life. i wish that people took a step back and realize how amazing life is, and how much you're missing. i, of course, am one of those from time to time. but this weekend, i know that i am lucky. and always will be.

this weekend, my little boy took his very first real steps. he has been toddling all over the house ever since. he takes quite a few steps at a time and realizes he isn't getting where he wants to go fast enough and gets down to bear crawl. and he walked straight into my arms this morning and it was the most beautiful feeling in this world. my little bear is growing up, to be such a wonderful little boy. watching him play every day is the best thing i could be doing with my life. he loves to play with his busy balls, and is so interested in what is inside. he likes to put things, into other things. a few times mike has found a bottle or a binky in his shoe or boot, and he likes to put wrappers into Mike's cover. just a little piece of his baby to take with him to work. he is starting to climb, onto everything! whether it be a box or a suitcase, or trying to scale our TV stand, he even climbed up onto the couch the other day by himself. it's amazing what a little less than a years time can do for one small little boy. he babbles, ALL the time. i really think that he is going to be one of those little kids where, unless you're around him a lot, and know who he is, that you won't ever understand his secret language. i love when he wakes up and just starts talking, telling me all about his dreams and sleep. or crawls over to me to tell me something, then just walks away. he's a really busy baby, always curious about the little things. he is learning to play with his toys now. he has a cow toy from his Mimi with different animal pictures and you press it and it has the animal name and sounds, and i am constantly hearing it yell, "rooster!"from his play area. he presses the buttons with one little finger now, and now just slams his hands onto it. which, he still does my laptop, haha. for his birthday i got him an animal laptop that can teach him numbers and shapes and animals. i showed it to him to see if he liked it and he was sitting there pressing the different buttons. i swear he is way too advanced for toys his age. i show him half the toys for his age and he doesn't like them. they're boring to him, and i think it's adorable! he loves his stuffed animals, especially his Scout dog. he carries that thing around and gives him "lubbins" when he finds him in his pile of toys. he's also very.. different. lol. when i tell him he can bring one toy bye bye, he usually grabs his booger sucker, that if you get close to his nose, he will scream, or a pair of baby nail clippers, that he fights you so hard over, it's like world war 3. he will be satisfied if you give him your keys though, which is always a good thing in case of an emergency. he's starting to get a little attitude. when you tell him "no", he will stick out his lip and give you his little eyes, and just stare at you. it's seriously the cutest little thing, i can't get over it. it kills me every time! and he listens to mommy over daddy. when we give him a bath and he tries to stand up, i sternly tell him to sit on his bottom and he does. when Mike says it, he just smiles at Mike, and doesn't. it's adorable. but he sure loves his dad and already tries to mimick him. Mike went in the corner of the couch and crouched down, trying to hide and Ryder goes up to him and sticks himself in the corner too. a lot of the noises Mike makes, Ryder gives them right back. and whenever Mike puts his hat on, Ryder wants to wear it too. he has the worlds biggest personality and the brightest little smile. he's always so happy. he sleeps through the night and takes naps still during the day, which gives me time to rest. he is so independent and plays by himself in his play corner for hours, just examining everything that he has. and then brings me a toy to play with and crawls away. he's a little stink butt and i honestly have no idea how i ever lived without him. he's amazing.

i am thankful for my husband and how far we have come. and his testicles for giving me my two beautiful babies. and always being on my side in life, finally. i am so glad that we went through, all that we went through, if it means getting us right here, right now. and all our ups and downs, i still can not imagine life without him, ever. not even for a day, for a moment more than he is at work. and i am so happy that he is here with us now. and even if we do fight, i would take fighting with him, over not being with him, any day of the week. he's an amazing man, husband, and daddy. especially a daddy, and that makes me fall in love with him even more, all the time.

i am so glad that my mom and i are close, through all this distance. even if she gets on my nerves and we butt heads often, she loves me. she's still my best friend, and i know that i can tell her anything at all. i like that, even if she doesn't want us to, she's going to be there for us with our big move, and provide us a place to stay for a little while, all of us. and i know that she whole heartedly loves my children. she cares about them more than i will ever imagine anyone else doing in all their lives. even if she doesn't think the timing was right for me, she loves them so, so much. and it isn't because she buys them things like my mother in law seems to think, it's because she actually cares to ask how they are doing. she's always there for me to lean on and i know that i am me, because of her. and i have my children, because of her. 

i am thankful for Monique and Steven for being there for us, always. i dont think she knows how much i appreciate our little lunches or Walmart runs. i am glad i know who my real friends are and they are always there for me.

i am so happy i have the ability to breathe. and speak, and see, and hear. i love words and can not live without them. i have no idea what i would do if i couldnt stare at my beautiful baby every day. or see him smile, or hear him giggle. i am so happy to be alive, every day of my life. and now, i'm going to fall asleep happy, knowing i get to wake up in the morning and have even one more precious day with my little baby. and tomorrow, is going to be another beautiful day. <3

-ks. 

forty four.

i can no longer feel bad.
about losing a friendship with Lindsay.
today, Mike and Travis were talking about how weird Parsons was. we got to talking about i told them that supposedly, Nick was suppose to propose to Lindsay when she came down next weekend. Travis let me know, that he has never heard of her before. that Nick never says anything about her, but he did take another girl on his motorcycle up in the mountains, and was flirting with the new boot often. i kind of did a double take. this wasn't just Mike talking now, this was a complete outside source. i really had to sit and think about it, but i knew that if i didn't say something to her, i would have a heavy heart. that i would want someone to tell me if my boyfriend was doing that out here. so, i decided to go out on a limb and text her to let her know.
she told me she broke up with him today.
she explained to me that she had caught him cheating back in January when she was here, and she should have broken up with him then, but he had bawled his eyes out and begged her not to. that no one had loved him like she had since his mom passed away. she was hoping that he would change and so she stayed with him. but she couldn't take it anymore, or trust him at all, so she cancelled her flight here and broke it off, even though he begged her to still come. she told me that she was furious with the way  handled things and how hurt she was at what i said to her friend, who shouldnt have been involved in the first place. whether or not Lindsay told her to put her foot in, she did, and it wasn't where it needed to be. someone that has never, will never, meet me, and shouldnt know a damn thing about me had the nerve to not only message me starting crap, but to message Mike's old account when it was active to tell him if she ever meets his wife, she's kicking my ass. it was completely uncalled for and i stand by what i said, that is she was that childish to do such things, she had no right being a mother. so here, Lindsay did all this to herself. as i was sitting here trying to protect her from getting hurt, she already knew that this wasn't serious anymore. that Nick was cheating and lying. she fought with me to tell me that i was wrong, when i was right all along. she herself threw our friendship out the window, it wasn't me at all! though, i really hadn't expected for Nick to be this much of a douche bag, but i knew it would all fall apart either way. and it did, and this is exactly what i was trying to keep her away from. i didn't tell her i was sorry about how i handled things, and i didn't tell her that i was sorry for Ashley, because i'm not, at all. i did say that yes, i was in a tough time in my life and i shouldn't have blown up, and that i was sorry she had to go through what she did. i don't ever expect to be friends with her again, and i'm perfectly fine with that. she isn't needed, if she was really that dumb to know that Parsons want being faithful and yet still tell me she was moving out here and getting married and shit. really? like, come on now, how desperate are you? just pisses me off, completely.
but then again, now i want to kick Parsons in the face even harder for being dumber than i thought. kid, you can't get anyone, and you throw the one person willing to be with you, away. i really think he's just trying to fill the void of his mom being gone, with women. it makes no sense to me. but i am glad Colbert even agreed that he's a weirdo, finally! ahahaha.

sad that i was right and it sucks that someone got hurt in the process, but it serves her right. i'm about 97% right on all things. people really ought to start listening to me!

forty three.

this time one year ago.
all his bags were packed, but he wasn't ready to go.
we were standing there outside the door.
we both hated the thought os saying goodbye.
we drove to base in silence, clinging to one anothers hand. there were no words for what we were about to go through. my face was tear stained, our hearts heavy, it was the most cruel April Fools joke, in this world.
it was freezing, i was 37 weeks pregnant, and my husband was about to leave for Afghanistan. it didnt really hit us until the busses rolled up. they formed up and got in line, to leave his wife and unborn son for 7 long, long months.
Monique and i stayed there, until the buses left, crying.
thinking back on that night a year ago, i can not even begin to describe what i felt then, or what i feel now. i look back then and can not believe how much everything has changed between us. this time last year, i wanted to walk away from my marriage, i hated every part of life and had no idea how to survive on my own, in a house, with a newborn baby, on my own. i was terrified of what every day held for me while he was gone. i had no idea what to expect for the next 7 months. i barely had confidence in myself to leave the house, and i had no idea what to think of my husband that had just left, on top of millions of problems. i felt so helpless.
now, a year later, i have never had more confidence in myself. as a mother, and as a wife. not only do i have one very vivacious child, i have another beautiful little one on the way. i now enjoy every day instead of dread it. and i no longer think of walking away from my marriage. most of those millions of problems have been fixed and our marriage is so, so very much better. i smile, a lot more. and sitting here, in my living room, with my husband and Travis, with our son sleeping upstairs, i could not be more thankful. i know exactly who i am, i am thankful for my husband and our perfect little boy. i know that ups and downs will happen, and that i will get over it. as sure as the sun comes up in the morning and goes down again.
we talk more about our future now, when before he left, we didn't. we didn't even have a plan. and now, while driving in the truck listening to country music, we dream and talk about what we want, all the time. we enjoy our baby boy. we laugh a lot more than we use to, and our fights are a lot less. i really think Deployment helped us, a lot. it made us appreciate the little things. we got to fall in love again through emails, and Skype dates, just lying there staring at one another. even though things were difficult when he got home, things are pretty amazing now. i can honestly say that our marriage did not start until Homecoming night. and i am okay with that. all the hard times are nearly forgotten. and i am so happy we got a second chance at us.

i honestly can not believe how we hung on to each other, and our life together. and i think the biggest part of that, is because of Ryder. and i couldnt be happier with my perfect little family. ups, downs, and all arounds.

i love being able to look at my husband right now. even if he's playing a video game with Travis, sitting seriously like two feet from the television, haha. i like being able to run up and kiss him whenever i want to, and to have an extra set of hands around the house. i like snuggling, i missed that the most. i love the fact that our son is now walking, and his first real steps were right into his Daddys arms. and that we got to take picture of Ryder smashing a cupcake at the park today, together. and play with him, and catch him causing mischief, together. together, together, together. the most wonderful thing i can now say about life. <3

-ks.

forty two.

always left to pick up the pieces. 
words can not describe how i am feeling today. but i know that it will be another night that i do not allow Michael home. i am too hurt and upset to deal with him. once again he left me to deal with everything on my own. and once again i tell myself, what is the point in being married, being a team, when its always just me?
i told him last night that he needed to stay home another day. that he needed to made sure that happened. with Ryder throwing up and not having a good night, at all, i couldn't handle it all by myself. watching him like that killed me, it broke my heart. i was walking back and forth in the kitchen at almost 1 am, him screaming because he didn't feel good. he couldnt tell me what hurt or how to help. i was so upset. but i gave him some crackers and he went back to sleep fine. he hasn't thrown up since about 845 last night, so i think he's done with all that. he has a little bit of juice mixed with pedialyte and watching little einsteins.
last night, i was really convinced that i would be hit next. i was just waiting for it. i fitfully slept on the couch with a bucket right next to me in case i didn't make it to the bathroom. but sure enough, i hear Mike wake up and the sun was up, so i knew i had made it through the night. but that didn't mean anything.
Mike got ready for work and he kissed me on the forehead goodbye. he didn't say anything else. he didn't even ask how i felt, or apologize for leaving. nothing. he left the house s disaster, me still not feeling well, having to clean up his mess from yesterday. there are cracker crumbs all over the floor, i have to once again, chase dogs because he never fixed the holes in the gate. i have to lysol the house, do the dishes, and wash the bedding from our bed and Ryders. and he just, walked out on us. leaving me to fend for myself, with no words at all. this, was his fault. had he not been around, we wouldnt have been sick. my heart wouldnt have broken, seeing my baby like that. once again, only thinking of himself.what happens if i get sick today? he even said himself that he couldnt take care of a baby the way he was yesterday. not to mention, he took our truck, so what if something happened with Ryder, or even me, and we needed to get to the hospital? i just, can not believe it. how he just so casually left.
i spent yesterday rubbing his back, bringing him soup, calling his Sgt so he didn't have to go in. bringing him water and tylenol, constantly asking if he needed things. and i realized, he has never, ever, not once, brought me tylenol for a headache. or made me soup. or comforted me in any way, when i didnt feel good. when we said goodnight last night, i didn't even get an i love you. and it hurts, a lot.
yeah yeah, i know. this is a crabby bitchy post and i'm sure you're reading this like, okay, whats the big deal? but to me, it IS a big deal. i do my best at being a mother and a wife. with no relief at all. i dont have time to be sick, so when i am, i just deal with it. but i would like to think that if i were to be REALLY sick like the boys yesterday, there would be someone there to take care of me, like i was for Mike. and him doing it on his own free will, not me asking him to get me something. there has been many times i had a headache and laid on the couch, and he got up and got himself a tylenol, complaining something else of his hurt. and completely ignoring me.
when i texted him this morning not to even bother coming home, since he left it all to me to pick up, he had no idea why i was freaking out. it wasnt like he had a normal job and just call off. this, i understand. but when hes sick, he gets off, but when he gets the rest of the household sick, he gets to walk away from it all and leave us to fix ourselves. it isn't fair, at all. i only pray i dont feel worse than i do right now, or no one will be able to take care of my 11 month old son. he texted me from work saying he couldnt get off, to drink water, wash my hands, and let him know if i need a ride to the naval hosptial. that was it. i honestly told him, to fuck himself. and i locked the outside door again. i felt no different when i woke up a little bit later. it didnt matter to him how i felt, he never even asked. i slept on the couch last night. how does he know i wasn't in his same position downstairs as he was upstairs all day? it's just, so incredibly sad to me. how little he tends to care. that alone makes me sick to my stomach. i can not keep doing this. every fucking time something gets screwed up in our lives.
i yelled at him last night, while crying, after seeing my son throw up for the first time. that this was all his fault. i kept repeating. that i hate him. and i do, i truely hate him. for last night, and this morning. and all day today. it has barely begun, on little sleep, still sick, and i have to deal with so much. it isn't taking care of my baby. i can do that all day every day, sick or not. its the messes Mike makes and leaves me to clan it all up. right now Mollie is barking and causing noise to be let out. when i let her outside, she's going to get out and be running around outside the house, barking some more. which will cause Indy to bark, and Scout to follow her. we already had a complaint about Scout, but i have too much going on to go chase them, constantly. i have to vaccuum the living room and lysol it down, i have to do multiple loads of laundry and make sure my son eats something easy for his tummy. i have to lysol both bathrooms, and do the dishes that are piling up. and attempt not to forget that i exist and take care of myself as well. i think i will be okay. it's been over 24 hours since mike started throwing up, and over 12 since Ryder has, and so far, still so good. but that doesn't mean i don't still only 45%. with all this left for me to handle, on my own. it just isn't okay, at all. one small person can only take so much. and i'm really over this "give and take" crap.

i am really thankful to have such a good little boy though. i have no idea how i would survive life without him. although i know he still doesnt feel good, he puts a smile on my face, and can still smile at life. i love that he is still so in love with his mama, and even though he was screaming, i am happy that i got to hold and try to comfort him last night. he's just watching cartoons and eating pieces of crackers, and looking adorable like always. i never want him to have to go through all that again. my precious baby boy.

-ks.

forty one.

it's very rare that i am actually proud of myself.
and today, i am.
when i was in high school i had this giant, irrational, terrifying fear of vomiting. it got to the point where i would feel so sick all the time for no reason, and i told myself if i didn't eat, i wouldn't vomit. i'm not sure if it was just the thought of doing it in front of people, or what. but growing up, i rarely had the flu. i have been pregnant twice and yet the last time i threw up, i was a sophomore in high school with the 24 hour stomach bug. right after i graduated i went to JROTC summer camp and they made us chug water after chow and a lot of cadets had thrown up. i was in a panic attack the rest of the night. i couldn't breathe and nearly passed out. i barely ate for the rest of the week and collapsed in the heat from dehydration because i didn't want to drink water for the fear of vomiting it up. i have no idea where this came from. i couldn't hear people talk about it, be around it, listen to it, nothing. my niece had thrown up while we were babysitting and i ran out the door, leaving my nephew behind and my mom to fend for herself and clean it all up. i knew eventually, i would have to get over it. and slowly, i have. i watch the Challenges all the time and you always puke on those, haha. scenes on TV i can stand to watch, if it isn't too gory.
this morning my husband woke up at 5AM, to vomit. i have no idea why i woke up but i heard it and knew what was going on. maybe that was the mom in me. an instant wake up when someone is sick. i mean, i dealt with Ryder spitting up for 6 whole months and it never once phased me, and i know when he's old and has the flu, i will be right there beside him, every step of the way. and i was that way for my husband this morning. there isn't a point to go into details, but i heard and saw things that, a few years ago, would have sent me running. sent me into a full fledged panic attack. i wouldnt have eaten the rest of the week, thinking i was going to catch it next. but i have eaten today, i know that i have too. granted, it has been small stuff, i am currently about to demolish an entire thing of tic tacs, because that just sounds good right now, lol. and i am making my husband soup so he has something in his system. granted, i was a little angry this morning, and a little sad now because he has completely contaminated my two favorite parts of the house, and i refuse to sleep in my bed until the sheets are washed, or take a bath until he disinfects the bathroom. and yes, i will be throwing my toothbrush that is sitting in that bathroom away and getting a new one before i use it again. but hey, compared to a few years ago, i have to say that i am doing pretty good! i called his Sgt to tell him i wasn't even going to attempt to bring him into work today, ready for a battle of them telling me i had to. but he was cool about it. thank goodness.
now i just pray Ryder and i don't get whatever he has going on right now. i couldnt stand to see my baby this miserable, and i couldn't stand to be throwing up and things coming out of holes in my body, i wouldnt be able to take care of my little boy! i'll stick with my head cold that i have been dealing with for a week now, he can keep the bad sickies to himself! and i hope that he feels better soon.
but, his soup is ready. off to go play Doctor Wife. :)

-ks.

forty.

ahahahahaha, okay!
after being so down about the time line shit, i got to ready all my statuses from when Mike and i started dating. first, so much has changed. second, i'm even more crazy about that little butthead than i use to be. and boy was i was cheesy little fuck. so, i do apologize to everyone that was around at that time. but i was happy, thats what mattered. there was only a handful of unhappy statuses before out big blow up break up dealio. i seriously put "i love you mikey" at like the end of every one of them. i can't remember the last time i called him that! and i seriously had a countdown of weeks until he was out of boot camp. how lame! and it's hilarious to think i had no idea what anything in the marine corps was, and thought i was cool because i was dating a Private... seriously? Corporal Nelson sounds so much better now! i had no idea what Pendleton or the MCRD was, let alone this butt fuck egypt town of Twentynine. i thought it was sexy when he wore his dog tags and said OORAH. now i'm like, "dude, take those off and shut the hell up." i cried when he went to MCT for the amount of time he now goes to Viper. where i kiss him goodbye and spend the next 5 weeks not shaving my legs and vegging out on the couch like it ain't no big thing. i thought Boot was the hardest thing in my life. yet i soared through Deployment just fine. it's just so weird. those dating days were just, so funny when i look back on them. 
i love the reminder of how happy we were. i mean, deep down i know we always have been. we have just been fogged by problems and drama. lots and lots of too much drama.  but i love seeing how much we grew up together, and as individuals and how much drama and bullshit we got through together. yeah it hurt and sucked at the time but look at the beauty it created in the end? look at how i got exactly what i wanted and dreamed of since i met him, because i fought for him all that time. even though there were bad times, they weren't that bad. but coming from the situation i had just gotten out of, it seemed like the end of the world back then. he has always treated me with respect, he has had many cute moments. i like how i kept posting that i loved his heart. and i always have. he sucks with emotions. i said, a few weeks after dating that, "he can't express shit unless it's in sound effects." which was so absolutely true! but it also made me realize that i can not remember the last time he actually talked in sound effects. or even said meow, seriously!
throughout our whole big break up... thing. whatever youd call it. all my posts were still, happy. normal. i didn't hate my life. i didn't bash him. i didnt give up. not once. i couldnt accept that things were done between us. neither did he, apparently he said some pretty strong words that i can no longer remember. but something in him gave me hope that this wasn't the end of us. that we were broken, only a little.  "life isn't about the road or your worn out sneakers. it's about the bumps, cracks, and the hills that make it steeper. this isn't about chasing after what you wanted or thought you knew. it's about finding all the pieces and starting anew."  is what i wrote during that time. and its nothing more than the truth. it hurt me, a lot. but i wasn't about to give up on him. i always told him, "don't give up one of the greatest things that could ever happen to you just because you're a little unsure of who you are." and i had to remind him of that all week. that's all it was. a bump in our path. the first big one, and not our last. i'm nowhere near a religious person but i kept telling myself to keep my faith, through the pain. and i did. within myself and within Michael as well. i knew he loved me, still. and always would. i believed his words over anyone's. he was still always mine. <3


i think this is enough lovey dovey gushy blogging for one post. it's also 3am and i'm exhausted and my nose will not stop running. guess i'll fall asleep next to my husband. whom i love so much more right now. :)


-ks.

thirty nine.

we live, we learn. we crash, we burn.
and no matter how much i have changed. physically, mentally, emotionally. the pain still remains.
today the fucking Facebook switched me to timeline. i had been avoiding it, knowing there was a past hidden between the lines that i did not want to relive. and here i am, sitting in tears, reliving it all. day by day. seeing myself that low, kills me. every single time. who was that girl? that girl that called this monster her own? the girl that constantly spoke the words, "i am lost, and never want to be found." that blue eyed girl that was so shadowed with bruises, inside and out. why? why did i ever put myself through that? that.. monster. what was so important of him to have such a hold on me? where was i, in that moment of weakness, over and over again to let myself fall back into those arms? how come i never opened my eyes just a little bit more, to let go? it was a constant reminder that i told myself, in public, that i was never going to be "that girl"
now that i look back, what girl was that? the one for him? the one he would eventually treat right? or the girl that would actually fall for anything like she did? i have no idea who i was. it was like, a giant chunk out of some important years of my life were removed when he walked in. those days i can not get back.
i can not tell myself that all of those times were a lose. honestly, they made my current life all the more important, more meaningful, and makes it all make sense. i realize how much i have grown up since then. and i know that not even one inch of me is the same. and although i never escaped completely, i know in time that i would have. in January of 2009, the beginning of the year that i met Michael, i began to slip away. but not from myself like i had imagined i would have. i started classes back at IUN, i had a direction. i got out of Billy's reach by buying my beloved Johnny Walker. i started working at PSC. i suppose those small little things are what saved my life. after joining MMA, i felt a lot better about myself. i was doing well in college, i had a job that i couldnt wait to get to everyday, and i was a fighter. but cage fighting never really was about what it meant to anyone else. not to me. it wasn't about winning the fight. but it was about fighting to stay alive. every damn day. and all the strength and courage i built up, i knew it was time to let go. after we moved out of the apartment, as upset as i was the first month, i knew that i could breathe again. i knew that i could start over, and start to re create myself. a fresh start, a new me, a new life.
"someone once told me that life wasn't worth the fight. it took an entire year and a half of abuse for me to realize that, they lied." was my status update on May 24th, 2009. almost a year before the day Michael and i got married. it is beyond crazy how things changed, as soon as i met Michael. every little piece of me started to fall into place.
"breakdown after breakdown. brick.by.fucking.brick. she still finds herself standing tall. after each.and.every.hit."

after Billy and i broke up, and i became just a memory. i had one dream. i wanted to pack up and move to Memphis. i have no idea why. i had never been there, or even to Tennessee. but i knew i wanted somewhere new. where i knew no one and no one knew me. and start over. i wasn't a settle down type of girl anymore. i wanted to go, to find myself. i will always have a small obsession with Memphis, it will always be my little hideaway if ever shall i need it. but in the posts after May, things seemed to get a lot better. i found comfort in running and would run often. after running away from so many problems in my life you would think i would be able to run a marathon. i was happy with my job and spent a lot of time with my mom. my spirit began to soar and more than once or twice, i see myself posting things like, "i am so happy to be alive."i knew that letting go was the best thing that i could do. there were a lot of guys in my life that summer and each one of them hold some part of my healing process. but that's all they were. they were nothing special. but a few nights that turned into mornings. they made me realize all that i didn't want. being with them taught me more things about myself. and more so, who i wasn't, and where in life i didn't need to be. Tim was the first to open my eyes. he too, knew Billy. he was the first to sit me down and talk to me about it all. he made me feel beautiful in my own skin. he made me realize that not every man on this earth was going to hurt me. he is as gentle as they come and he was an amazing friend of mine, and came and left when my life called for it. then it was Matty, whom i believe helped me the most in life. he opened my eyes about both Billy and Mike. he has a beautiful daughter and that got between us, we were just not meant to be together. we tried to date over that summer and i couldn't do it. while Mike was at boot camp, my sister in law and Matt got together. on New Years Eve he was at her house. she had tried breaking up with him before the party. and he asked me to go downstairs to talk for a few minutes. while we were sitting on the washing machine and dryer like Mike and i use to do, he tried to kiss me. i shoved him off of me and ran upstairs. it was in the moment that i did not give into another man while i was with someone else. i had cheated on Billy with Matt before. but something inside of me burst into flames when his lips were inches from mine. and that was the moment i realized that Mike was not like anyone else. Tony was also in my life that summer and taught me to face my fears of the roads ahead. but he also told me that i could not fix someone, no matter how hard i tried. all of these men have since, left my life. like every other road i have traveled down.

running, security, johnny walker, and sweet, sweet words i heard on the radio were my saviors that summer of 2009. they got me over the toughest of times, and running led me straight into my husbands arms. i have no idea what it was about him, but in that moment that i first saw him. and stared into his eyes, i knew there was more to this life than anything i had ever known. that instant, i felt safe. everything about him, led me to believe that love could possibly exist. he didn't leave my mind all weekend. and that first night we rode through the stars and he kissed me for the first time, i knew.
Mike saved my life. more than he even realizes. he has given me so much confidence in life. but, that's a happier story for a happier time.

during that time, i stayed alive. i grew up and became wise. i opened my eyes to the world and everything and everyone in it. i... i survived.

i wrote this the morning after i met Michael...

It’s taken me far too long. To realize what I have just realized in life.
Thank god that’s over.

Everything I have been going through is still a small detail, a small bump, in my road. 
I was knocked down. Torn apart. Left for dead.
And here I am. Simply learning to walk again.
Everything I had built in a year and a half. Everything I lost. Everything I won. Has been switched around, turned upside down.

I’ve made my mistakes. And I have paid the price for each of them.
I let about a million and four people down.
I’ve walked and run over half the people I had in my life.
I’ve lost great people. I’ve met a few new ones.
There was a life lost. And a life found.

I’ve walked alone and I’ve walked side by side.

I watched my dreams just float away and never come back.

So I’m making new ones.

I have never felt so incrediby… free, in my life.

I can’t love him anymore. Not after everything that he as done to me. Really, when it all came down to it, I never looked at the big picture of things. Just this little thing, what he had done this time, rather than the last five times, and so forth. I knew a long time ago that it wasn’t a good spot to be in, but I tricked myself into believing that he needed me. 

All he needed me for for to push someone around. He needed to break me down. He needed to constantly make me feel bad about myself. He needed to leave his mark, all over my body. And once I started to gain myself back, I started to be more independent and grow away from him, out of his grasp, he started to realize that I was playing his games anymore.

I havent talked to him in about a week. And I almost relapsed tonight. But I knew that it would have only hurt me. And I’ve become so strong lately, I couldn’t risk it.

I am no longer hurt and I no longer fear falling in love.

No one else, is Billy Burk. They can’t have the memories that we had. They can’t go through what we went through. They can’t hold me,the way he did, or take what I had with him away from me.

But they also can’t hurt me. And break me. And tear me apart. They can’t leave every single bruise, or tear, that he left. They can’t make me do the things I did for him. They can’t. because I wont let them. I’m stronger this time. And I’ll turn around and walk away. Because I didn’t deserve what he did to me. Everyday. But I stayed. And I won’t. EVER AGAIN.

He’s the worst person in this world. He took advantage of an innocent girl who has become one of my closest friends. He stole. He came a criminal. Hes abusive.

I should want him to die.

But I can’t say that anymore.

I just hope he finds, exactly what he’s looking for.
And I hope she leaves him far sooner than I left him.
And never ever EVER comes back.

I have found someone that I enjoy being around very much. He can make me smile so easily, and makes me appreciate the little things in life. Such as a sunrise, which we ALWAYS seem to catch. That look in his eyes lets me know that he wants me in his life. I’ve never felt that. That’s all I’ll ever need. I Can’t thank him enough for all that he’s done for me. He didn’t really know how to lift me back up. But he sure did lie down right next to me.! He has no idea how amazing he is. And one day he is going to find someone, that lets him be fearless. And although he may not know where life is taking him in this exact moment. I really hope that he knows. He’s going to make it big someday. Whether it be in small town Indiana, or big time California. I hope he gets all that he deserves, which is quite a lot. He’s been through a lot of things in this lifetime, that I know if I had to go through, I wouldn’t have made it. But he did. He’s strong, and he always pushes on.he hasn’t only re taught me how to walk, he’s showed me how to run.  I am very thankful to have him in my life, I do believe, he could have possibly saved it. So tim, I have to say thank you. Thank you for absolutely EVERYTHING you have done for me. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And I know that if I try to run, you’re faster. And I know that you’ll catch me.

I’m always going to be that freckle faces girl with the lopsided grin. I’m still going to sing in the shower, completely off key. And dance around in my underwear and a cowboy hat when no one is home. (great image right?) I’m never going to say the right thing at exactly the right time. I’m always going to swear like a Marine. My hair is NEVER going to fall in the right places. I’m always going to be scared of thunderstorms, but dance around in the rain anyway. I’m never going to be afraid to get dirty. And I don’t think I’ll ever give away my favorite pair of sweats.I’m going to get a temper, and I’m going to always think that I am right. I’m always going to care too much, and give in too little. But I’m always going to be me. That’s the one thing that is never going to change. And one day someone is going to come along and fall in love with me. Every flaw, every mistake, and all. Some day. 

I’m going to be getting the tattoo that I had planned on ever since I was about 13 years old.
But I threw that one away too. Because he wasn’t in my life anymore.
And he still isn’t. but I have no doubt in my mind that he will be back.
I’ll always be kevins little sister. “little kp” “little pattywhack” or any other nickname hes had.
And I have never really liked that, but I can’t help but cling to it more than ever now.
And I am… a Paterson.

I realized. I come from a very strong line of females.

My Grammy was the most courageous woman I have ever known. Losing three children, and then losing herself. I really do believe, that week in the hospital was the biggest turning point in my life. I couldn’t be selfish, I couldn’t think of myself. And I didn’t. I stayed there, everyday, all the time. And I didn’t care. I remember her last words. God damn it I do, those were MY words. They belong to me. And I watched her slip away. Everyday. And she was gone, before I ever got to tell her. That I was sorry. And I think about her. Every day of my life. And I should have been a better person back then. But I’m going to be better now. And I can’t tell her that anymore… 

The last thing I wrote, was for her. I faced my fears and I read it at her funeral. I have never read anything I have ever written in front of a large group of people anymore. But I went up there, all by myself. But I wasn’t alone. I remember looking out from where I was standing, higher than everyone else. I felt my knees buckled. And I could barely stand. My hands gripped the podium. And I did it. I remember my mom telling me later that day, that she thought she was going to have to go up there, and hold me up. But she didn’t have to. Because I was so strong. I was like my Grammy. 

I haven’t written anything sense.

Lately I have been spending more “me” time. I’ve taken up daily cancer, tanning, I read more, I stress less, and I write basically EVERYTHING down. I never want to miss a beat of this amazing life I’m building for myself. The plan is to start running, however we all know how well that works right? But I have to start training and start testing.

I was discussing with Officer Pochron one night. About becoming a Hobart cop here within the next year. He says that there’s a pretty good chance as long as I pass the tests. And I also learned, there are no female cops on HPD. Which to me, sounds pretty amazing. And I could be going someplace with all of this. I’m tired of people telling me to go be a nurse. Sit behind a desk. I know that this is the lifestyle I’ve wanted for a really long time. And sure it’s going to be difficult, but I know that I can do it. Because they have faith in me. Pochron, Webber, Gressor. You guys are amazing. You guys are my heroes!!!

Well that’s my life as of now. I’m having more “happy” days than bad days.

I’ve stopped planning whats going to happen even six months from today, outside of my career.

I’m back in school and passed, well, three of my classes. Because the art teacher was a complete douchebag.

I’m living back with my mom and I’m trying to make the best of it.

I have the best of friends.

The greatest family I could ever ask for.
Thought I want to kill a few of them half the time. I’d kill FOR them, anyday of my life.

I have a guy that calls me beautiful, that I’m not head over heels with.
Thought I never really understood that expression. Uhm heels over head? Head over heels? Whatever!!

My life is going in the right direction. I’m getting back into writing. And I plan on POSSIBLY publishing a book within the next year. If everything pans out correctly.

HPD here I come when I turn 21!

If I don’t die of cancer from tanning and asthma from running.
Which really, kind of cancels it out. I go tanning. And then I go running. Never said life made sense.

I still love my job.

I’m going to make more time for myself, as well as my family. I know that I’ve kind of been out of everyones life for the past year and a half.

And I’m going to start… sleeping less. Seems to be my trend these days. 
But theres no point in sleeping. Everyday is such a beautiful day. I can’t stand to miss even a minute of it!

“When you’re entire life is being torn apart. Do the only thing you can do. SURVIVE!”

Well there you have it. My life story. As of right now. In the wee early hours of August the First, two thousand and nine.
The sun will be coming up soon as I post this. Outside. Stealing someones internet.
Today is the first day, of the rest of my life.


<3


-ks.