twenty seven.

i just want...
my independence back. i miss working, a lot more than i care to admit. i would give anything to give the last bit of energy i have, to just get a job and make my own money. thats the biggest reason why i can't wait to go back to indiana. i have my freedom back, and options. sure, i get the things i need and a want here and there and my children are provided for, but what about me?
the thing that really kills me in this marriage is this "he can and i can't" bullshit.
yes, i'm bringing up my camera, once again.
the camera that hasn't been talked about since the last time i posted. neither here, or with him.
my mom is sending me some money in two weeks or less, for half of the camera. this is a late birthday/early mothers day present from her. she wanted to get all her kids something and this is what i just happened to want.
tonight, knowing that the money is coming, i went looking on Amazon for the one i wanted, though, i know which one i want. last weekend after the ultrasound, we went to Best Buy and i warned him, if i found the one i wanted, i would be walking out with it in my hand and he told me "he knew."
so, i didn't figure tonight would be much different. my mom has never let me down and when she says she's doing something, there is no possible way she will let me down. not to mention, this is half of my birthday present from his as well.
of course, when it's time to talk about it and i ask his opinion on what he thinks, he stares at me. i wasn't asking if i should order it now or now, just, what he thought. he told me i couldn't order it until my moms check came in the mail so we "didn't have a large chunk taken out of the account."
this, was my turn to stare.
how in the hell can he sit there and tell me this!? we have about the same amount of money as we did when he bought his motorcycle jacket and helmet, an even BIGGER chunk, when not half the money was coming in a few weeks. are you fucking kidding me?! how is it that HE can go off and get what he wants, i don't tell him no, and i can not? his excuse was, he needed it. he uses his bike everyday.
true.
but, i have over 1,000 photos on my dinky ass cell phone because i take photos so often. half of which, don't even look like what i'm trying to take a photo of. i have a point and shoot camera and lord only knows where the charger is so, i haven't been able to use it in months.
it really pisses me off.
ever since we got our tax money back, there has been no talk of saving it. i have been spending the week getting things we need and i want for the kids. most of which are off Bookoo and i save a lot of money. tonight i found a double stroller i liked and wanted and he had nothing to say about that either. and i know that, if i don't start saving or getting things for the babies, all the money will be blown.
it's down to me to watch over my family when it comes to money. i always, put them first.
it's not like i want to spend almost $500 on clothes, or shoes, or a single fucking purse.
i want a camera to capture my childrens lives as best as i can, while i have the ability to.
hm, whats that helmet and jacket do for your kids? keep their dad alive? ha, some days it wouldnt matter either way.
i'm just so mad. it's always me, thinking of everyone else. and never anyone else thinking of me. sure, i know i'll end up with the camera, but why is my wanting one not important?
and here i was earlier this evening, asking him to call his mom tomorrow and talk about her visiting, when anyone that knows me, knows thats the last thing i want. but he had expressed awhile back that he wanted her to meet my son. so, i push my own feelings aside for him.
when it will never be done for me.

all this just freaking sucks. he's a great help around the house and a great dad to Ryder. but when it comes to me, it's always a hit or miss. and it's become so unfair. i do everything for this family and i sacrifice everything. i try not only to better my children life, clothing them, making sure they have food and toys and are always happy and safe, but i try to better my own by taking online classes for something i don't even want to go into anymore. everything i do and all the hard work i put into life just makes me want to throw up, because i have never, never gotten anything back. i wish my life was different, or i had the ability to make things different. but here, i don't really have that option. i just want a little piece of myself back. other than being Ryder and Lyvia's mom, and Mikes wife, i am at a complete loss of myself. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, other than be the best mom i can possibly be. i have hopes and goals and dreams that i would die to reach, but am not sure if that is possible any longer. it's not the best feeling in the world. this, roadblock.

and lately i haven't felt very good about myself. just when i think things are getting better in our marriage, they just, kind of stop. they're not bad, but not that great either. i just feel like, i sit, and watch our baby, and grow our other baby, and pick up after everyone without a thank you. when he gets to go to work and come home and be done for the day. he complained about having the stay at the shop for warriors night on thursday, but he got to socialize and drink. i would love, even two hours away from my son, my dogs, just to sit and enjoy someones company, or just, my own. i have been calling my mom a lot more lately because i just feel THAT alone. Monique has been busy so we haven't talked. my phone never buzzes with texts anymore. and when Mike gets home, we don't talk either. so, other than the constant baby babble and the dogs barking, i live in a world of silence. and it's beginning to drive me insane. that's why i read so much. i see words, conversations, that all make sense. i'm so sick of him using the line, "i'm not a talker, i have nothing to say." how can you not? all i have been hearing is Parsons this, and that. motorcycle crap, shit about his work. nothing i even care about. clearly, i have more important things to be thinking about right now. i am just so frustrated tonight and want to stay in bed and avoid everything tomorrow. which, i just might.

just another rut in the damn road i am currently traveling.
this too, shall pass.
:sigh:

twenty six.

i love, my father.

i always write about my mom or siblings but my father is absent a lot from my posts, like he was in my life. my dad was an over the road trucker that came home on weekends and would rather watch television than to teach us to ride a bike, or throw a ball back and forth. i don't have many memories left of him growing up, but the ones i do, he was fighting with my mom. he has a temper, that one. yes, i get that from my dad. a lot of the time, he chose to be away from us. when my mom was pregnant with my brother, he walked out on them for 8 months. he was in the same town when he was born, but didn't come to the hospital. he was never around for recitals, or plays at school, or to see me get a badge on my sash in girl scouts. all my life, i pretended i didnt have a dad. how could i, when i didnt even knew the person that created my life? i have so very few memories of him, and barely any photos with him growing up. i never understood him. he never gave me the chance. but i am so much like him. our temper mostly. our outlook on life and wanting to make the most of it before time fades away. us, both being the families rock, he taught me that, you know. but i think, having my father absent from my life, made me run to any guy, trying to make them love me. i held that void for so long. and then, my brother abandoned me as well. and now, now i don't have that fear. i have the two greatest loves in my life from the opposite sex. my husband and my son.

i dont think i really opened my eyes to my father until my Grammy died my senior year. after spending days in the hospital, he took me home to shower and get clothes for my mom and me. i had just gotten in the shower when he knocked, and told me we had to go... the tone in his voice let me know that, this was it. i paniced. i threw clothes on and ran out the door, tears streaking my face. it was the first time i asked my father, what to do. he told me to stay calm, that it was going to be alright. to stay strong because thats what my mom needed me to be. we walked through the emergency room doors together. and something between us changed. 

right before Michael and i got married, once again, my dad came into play. we had our first heart to heart, and finally, i felt like the daughter to a wonderful father. he talked to me about a lot of things that night and i went to bed and cried. and how amazing it made me feel. he was looking out for his little girl. his little "kimby" like he never had before. but never once did he judge me. that man, though not always being present in my life, has never once, not ever, passed judgement on me. i am fairly certain he knows about my abortion, though he has never brought it up and led on that he knew, but that's the thing i love about my father. he knows i will do what i need to in my life. never once, in my 23 years, has he told me, or acted like, i let him down. he has never once told me he was disappointed in me. even though, i'm sure there are times he wasn't all too proud of me, he's never made me feel bad about myself. 

my dad, walked me down the aisle at my wedding. in on the left, my mother on my right. and in that moment, all those times i missed with my father, seemed so small. though he wasn't there for a lot of things, he was at my wedding, and gave me away to a man he barely knew, but trusted with his little girl. that moment meant more to me than he will ever know. i went from the little girl crawling into his recliner with him to watch scary movies with, waking up earlier than everyone on christmas morning, and him already being awake, waiting for me. to the teenager he saw in uniform, to the woman, a bride on her wedding day. nothing else mattered but that very moment.

when i had to fly back to indiana for my papas funeral, it was my father that i clung to. him and i would take walks around the funeral home, go have lunch, and talk crap about aunt sandy. he was my rock to lean on through the entire mess, and the one that came looking for me when i took off walking 15 miles home in flip flops because i couldn't stand who my "family" was turning out to be. he was the one that took me back to the airport early when i had a gut feeling that something wasn't right back in california. he understood. he has never questioned anything about my life. 

and when he drove my mom out to california to visit, seeing him with my son, was the most heart warming thing i have ever seen. even my mom said, he never even acted like that with the twins. he would hold Ryder and play with him, and pick him up if he fussed and we were busy. it was such an amazing feeling! and i think now, more than ever. his baby girl moving across the country and having babies, and a daughters name he can not pronounce, so he will make up a name for his grand daughter like he did his daughters cat, he realizes that he missed out on a lot of things he shouldnt have, things he can't get back. but i love that man, stranger or not, all the same. 

fathers, no matter present in their life or not, shape a daughters life.

and it honest to god makes me cry knowing that i can give my daughter what i never had. Mike is already talking about dancing around in a tutu with Lyvia to make her smile, daddy daughter dances in girl scouts, and bringing her flowers at her dance recitals. i cry at daddy daughter moments on movies because it kills me, it's what i have always wanted. but knowing my daughter will have that, and i know she will, i have no doubts about Mike that way, just makes me so warm inside. <3

my dad might not have always been there. but he has been there when no one else understood. when people judged me, he didn't. he has been there for me when it mattered the most. hes taught me so much in this life, and how it's just too short not to be happy and chase your dreams. he's an amazing man, and he's a great dad. and i know we're both sorry that it took me 20 years to finally see this. and honestly, i think him and i are the closest out of all my siblings. and i know he won't leave my life, or walk out on me. we don't talk much, but that's okay. because i know he will always be my rock. and be there when i need him. 

and seeing my son, with his own dad, and watching them together, has opened my eyes and turned me into a big baby again. fathers truely are amazing people. and having children, change their lives as much as it does ours. 

i would not exist, without my father. my father that rides his bicycle about 100 miles a week. at almost 60, that's a pretty big thing! a man that loves his little tiny chihuahua, and will never give up his talk of wanting to get a damn sailboat. even though his wife and two daughters get motion sick! a man who has always said his favorite color was brown, and nicknames things "fred." the man who taught me how to drive a go cart, and took me to mud bogs, a man that likes sloppy joes and pork n beans, and isnt afraid to go rafting with us. he's such a strong man, and maybe a big part of him is where i get my strength from. a man that never gives up, and in my eyes, someone that will live forever.

and i am my daddy's daughter. always.

-ks. 

twenty five.

oh, this dreaded post. :sighs:

i have no idea WHY, WHY, WHY.

but i have been thinking a lot about Mike's mom coming out here to visit and meet Ryder.

there isn't a point, its going to be the most annoying few days and i still can not stomach the thought of her ever, ever holding my child.

and i am still extremely pissed off that she would still have the nerve to disrespect me as she did a few days ago with Mike's text. 

i guess i'm mainly doing this to shut the fat lady up, and so Mike can show her what a real parent is, and we can show her what a real family is. i hope it makes her realize what she never had.

BUT, there are going to be rules, and they will be followed.

First, she stays in a hotel. this way, i am not over run by anxiety and can keep my sanity. this way, Mike and i can still keep our nightly schedule with Ryder, and have alone time and not have to worry about her being a floor beneath us. in case of a fight, or.. well, more yelling but in a different way.

Second, no Tiffany. this, is really my biggest things. i can get over Trish. she's a cunt, and i will never like her. but, other than being dumb, a shitty parent, and not respecting me, she's decent, some of the time. tiffany went back to indiana last time saying i was punching myself in the stomach to hurt my baby because my daughter turned into my son. we hadn't talked to her in months and even on new years eve, she was talking shit about me at a party. i heard about it. i have struggled and worked too hard for her to come into my home and go back just to slander my name. and, as Heather said, take slutty pictures in my bathroom. lmao. i think that, along with her staying in a hotel, will be a really good improvement to this visit.

and last, she needs to really apologize to me. what she said, about "whether your wife likes it or not" was extremely uncalled for. i am really sick of being the bad guy. i don't piss people off or keep people away from my son for my own health, i do what's right for my children. and neither one of my babies deserve to go through what Mike ever did, or even i did from that woman. if Mike had came home from Deployment and told me he wanted his mom out here, i would have had him call her up to set it up. i hate my mother in law, that will never change. but whatever my husband wants, within reason, he will get. i wish she could open her eyes and realize i do not control him, and that MY decisions, are also his own. he would like her to meet his son and see him as a dad, but clearly it isn't THAT important to him. seeing as this discussion is coming up now, instead of sooner, by my own accord, mind you. and when i told him to call her tonight and talk to her about it he didn't. said he didn't feel like dealing with her, that even talking to her is a struggle. i warned him, i could change my mind and not allow it (we all know how pregnancy thoughts, emotions, and hormones go!) and he just shrugged. saying it wasn't a big deal, i wasn't offending him if i did. it's just... sad. all of this. and those comments are why i don't want her around my children. if her own son barely even cares that she exists, how will my children feel when they know what's going on?

but, despite all things, and pushing my hatred aside, i know Trish would come out to California for the right reasons. to see Ryder and play with him, and enjoy her only son's company. she wants to see him with his child, and see how he acts. which, i know she will be surprised. i, honestly, am not worried about her judging me as a parent or wife, no. not this time. but she also needs to understand that i won't back down, or hold my tongue. and if i tell her to leave, she needs to leave. there will be no discussion.

Mike, oddly, had nothing to say to my rules. he just said okay, agreed, and told me he understands why i feel this way. which, is really nice. i asked him though, if he REALLY understood. i told him, i didn't feel like i was being treated fairly, by her saying whether i like it or not. i make the final decisions with everything, especially when it comes to the kids. this is my home, and i, in no way, should ever feel uncomfortable in it. i have cooked and cleaned and made this place a home, as best as i could, while Mike was gone. i did everything on my own and was there for my husband when he needed someone. i have done everything right, so yes. this is all my decision. i know that if this was more important to him, he would have expressed that when he got home. or he would have taken this chance as soon as i told him about it. but he constantly tells me he doesnt care about anyone but the three of us, that indiana and everyone in it couldnt be farther from his mind. and that makes me feel good, always.

i just want this damn thing over with. before July so we can spend that last month preparing for Lyvia and spending it as just the three of us. she doesnt get to be THAT special and be here for the birth, or meet her first. but, we will see what happens. but i know i won't be no more miss nice mama this time around. i accept this challenge. mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

-ks. 

twenty four.

every morning.
i wake up before i really want to.
and i spend the day.
changing a dirty butt, cleaning up toys, chasing my son around, i pick up the same things over and over, the things he isn't suppose to play with. i run to the same spot, where he isn't suppose to be, a thousand times a day and bring him back to his play area. just to see his backside of him crawling away again. i wash bottles every other night, and clothes every weekend, and have to fold them and put them all away all over again. i chase his binkies and toys around stores when he throws them from his stroller. i always have an extra one in my pocket, just in case. theres snacks in the car, at all times. as well as one of his blankets. i know his favorite songs to sing, and teach him new things. i pick out his clothes and shoes, that he rarely even keeps on. i deal with baby melt downs and owies, and ackies and by the end of the day, i'm exhausted.

but it never fails. i always tip toe into his room and watch that little boy sleep, multiple times a night. i miss him so much when he's in the next room. i love watching his breathing, that pouty little mouth opening and closing. him stretching to get comfortable. i just want to wrap him up and keep him this little forever. my precious little innocent baby. that i love so much!

and now, i'm going to add another to the everyday life.
exhaustion or not.
i wouldn't have my life any other way.

the best thing i ever did was marry that crazy man and get pregnant. i have no regrets with any road that has led to my children. though Ryder and Lyvia are only going to be 18 months apart, it only means they will grow up together as best friends. i get so many weird looks when they see me holding Ry and i say i'm pregnant again. but it doesn't bother me anymore. nothing does. the best thing i ever did was give birth to that little boy, and this little girl in august.

truth is.
i honestly can't wait for the nights where Mike ends up on the floor and i am half hanging off the bed because the kids are taking over during a thunderstorm. kissing away tears at boo boo's. picking them up from school to hear all about their days, the jibber jabber of two little kids talking over one another. the run around of sports and ballet classes. (so excited i get to say this now!) it's going to be wonderful. the best life i have ever lived, is with my children.

almost every girl in the world wants to fall in love with a guy, get married, and have babies. and i see so many girls i went to high school with searching in all the wrong places. they post photos of them constantly getting drunk, partying, being sleezy. who really wants that life!? i fall in love more and more everyday with my husband that i married young, after knowing him only 9 months. and i fall in love with our son multiple times a day, and will our daughter as well. no more searching, or heartbreak, or hurt when he doesn't call me the next morning. i have it. i have it all. everyday and all the time.
our perfect little family of four.

yes, i'm the lucky one.

-ks.

twenty three.

today. 
we found out the sex of our second baby. we're having a little BABY GIRL!
Lyvia Jean will be making her appearance at the end of July. :)
the entire experience of today was better than anything i could have expected. i got to see our beautiful baby, that was sleeping the whole time, move around. and hear her heartbeat. it was so calming and relaxing, and i didn't have to leave Ryder! and before i knew it she pointed and said it was a girl. i stared at it, or. lack there of, of an "it" and made her triple check and told her what happened last time. she explained to me the three lines, or dots.. made up a vagina. i still don't know if i believe her, but she promised me. and said that if Naval said something different, to have them call her. i guess my situation happened more than once with women going there. so, for now. i'll trust her. no second guessing. and i'll hang onto a few boy items.

to my son and daughter:

1. Mommy Loves you.
there is no denying how much i love both of you.
Ryder, i can not look at you each day without getting tears in my eyes at some moment in time. your laugh, your cry, your curiosity with new things, old things, random things. watching you brave yourself to take a step. i know that you will in due time. you're the most precious little being i have ever laid my eyes upon. i look up to you so much, even though you are so little. you have given me hope in this world, a reason to live, breathe, and love with everything that i have. you are everything i could have ever wanted.
Lyvia, i can only hope to share as many precious memories with you throughout your life. i get to experience the "baby steps" with you, as i did your big brother. i get to have my breathe taken away from my soul, one more time. i get to teach you things, as i did Ryder. and i know that your big brother will teach you everything you need to know. show you how to get into Mommys cabinets, and get under her skin. i know the two of you will be close in age and i can only hope you guys get along. most of the time, of course.
i will always love the two of you. no matter where i am, what mess you make, how many time outs i put you in. no matter how big you grow up, how many times your forget your homework, or hurt my feelings without meaning to. i will always love you each in your own special way, but that will never mean that i love one or the other more. you both, are what keep me alive, and give my life purpose. without either of you, i have no idea where i would be.

2. No Matter Where You Go...
always remember that long road home. i left and moved to the other side of the country with your dad when i was 21 years old. and i know being so far away has hurt Mimi. but, we get to talk everyday. at least, promise Mommy that. there are so, so very many moments in this world that you mind find yourself in. whether it be a career, a man or a woman, or a silly little pipe dream, go. spread your wings and give life a chance. but no matter what, you will always have a home, wherever i am. i will leave the porch light a glow, and a map in your glove compartment. there is no other place, but home.

3. No Matter Who You Might Be...
you're going to be amazing. as long as you are determined and driven, and do it with all your heart. no matter what you want to do with your life, do it. give it everything you have, and never stop trying. when you stop fighting, you start dying. don't ever let anyone tell you that you can not do something. that is the biggest lie the world will tell you. and i never want to see you lose that sparkle in your eye over something you really love, because of something that someone said. please, don't ever do that.

4. No Matter Where We Live...
i promise that the two of you, and any other siblings down the road, have your own little private place that is only yours. and that you will have the things you want and need, always.

5. There Is No One Else...
that will ever be more proud of you, than i am. and i promise to always tell you so, every chance that i get. i promise to always encourage you, with everything that i have. i will never be too wrapped up in anything else to stop and talk to you, or listen to you, or do anything for you. the two of you will come first, always. you two will always be my everything, always.

i dread the days that i no longer have to carry a binkie around in my pocket, that i don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to get a bottle and change diapers. the day that i'm no longer handed drawings from my children to put on the fridge. where bed time stories arent wanted, and i have to sneak in at night to kiss them, because mommy kisses are too icky. where waiting at the bus stop "isnt cool" anymore. or even worse, high school. i love my kids. more than anything i have ever loved in my entire life. i was nothing before i gave birth to Ryder, i no longer feel that way. if there is nothing else i do with my life, i know that i birthed and raised two beautiful babies, and that they are mine. and as long as i'm living.
my babies they'll be.

-ks.

twenty two.

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
you have another thing coming to you woman.
bless my husbands heart.
now, i think we all know that i hate my mother in law, and her slut daughter with a mighty passion.
and the hatred has even been worse since my son was born, and she decided to call him by the wrong name. i haven't been too worried about it lately. i know that her and Mike talk sometimes. as much as i hate it, it doesnt cause problems. no matter where we live or what happens between us, there really is no getting rid of the bitch. they usually text once a month or so.
well, she texted him today. as i was reading the texts, i lost some brain cells.
i had to add "bad grammar" to the list of reasons i don't want her around my son. my son will be educated. his mother is a woman of words, and will not talk like a low grade black person with his pants around his fucking knees. which, seems to be the way my mother in law likes to talk. and whenever Mike talks like that, by saying "don't" rather than "doesn't" i get on his ass REAL fast.
well, she asked if my son was walking yet. that's all she asked about him. he's talking now, he has two teeth, he eats real food, and he no longer has his stomach issue and clearly, she "don't" (gosh i want to stab myself in the brain every time i ever JOKE like that.) care about all of that. well, she asked him if he was going to be able to come home in April.
now, as much as i want to go back to indiana and show off my pride and joy, plus one in my belly. and how upset i was with not going when we talked about it, i'm perfectly okay with that now. being almost 6 months pregnant, with a year old baby, and three loud dogs. no offense, going to see my mom and only my mom really, just isn't worth the stress of a four day car ride JUST to get there. Ryder gets cranky spending half a day in the car going to and from San Diego. really, the dogs were the deciding factor. and, losing all my "family" so, we had chose to just wait until we EAS out to make that road trip. that Buddy and Crystal, when they could afford it, would visit.
after Mike got home from Deployment, when we were working on things, i asked him if he honestly, wanted his mom and sister here. he looked me in the eye and told me that he didn't. that yeah, he would like to see them but after the stress of last visit, it wasn't worth it. that even if they stayed in a hotel, which obviously, would be a given, it would be too much. once again, extremely pregnant. and them not giving a fuck about my son in the first place. but honestly, lately, i have been thinking about it. that i could stomach a short visit, just so that they could see Ryder. once in two and a half years, isn't so bad.
that bitch!
tells my husband that, "whether i like it or not she's coming out for a LONG trip to see HER grandson."
for real lady?!?!
first of all, no. that isn't how you handle ANY situation you are clearly out of. whether i like it or not huh? lets see, i'm this childs mother, the sole caregiver, i am the one with him 24 god damn 7. and whether i like it or not you're going to come barging into MY hometown to see a child you have never seemed to give a flying fuck about?! excuse me. i don't think so.
had she said ANYTHING else, it might have been okay. since she is clearly STILL, disrespecting me, and clearly will never have respect for me, or even ask her son if he wants her here, once again i have to pull my bitch card out and put a freakin stop to it. it's just RUDE. and once again, she hasn't learned. she just texted Mike complaints about her work, and his sister, yadda yadda yadda. get a clue lady!

but my favorite part of the conversation was where Mike just stopped talking after that comment. i know he read it and rolled his eyes and put his phone back in his pocket.

it just makes me furious that just because this lady gave birth to my husband, that she feels the need to have a right in MY childrens lives. i'm not the biggest fan of Mikes father. i don't agree with what he has done in his life and the father he was. though, it made Mike become an amazing dad and change and grow up. however. that man has never disrespected me. he treated me like his own daughter, well, even better than his own daughter. and told his son he was proud of him for the woman he chose. even though i was really pissed at how Mike handled the time he came out and met Ryder, i got over it. and though i said that Ryder and i wouldn't be going to see his dad the next time he trucked out here, i don't mean that any longer. he may or may not be here on Saturday and Mike told him that he might not be able to because of the ultrasound. clearly, he learned his lesson from last time and i am proud.

there is something inside of me that can not stomach seeing one of those two immature women in my husbands life, holding my son. playing with him, or anything else. not out here. things have changed with Michael and i, and i myself have changed a great deal. but it's one step at a time. this is what i have always wanted for my children, and i'm not going to allow them near him. i am so tired of people saying it's the right thing, or that he's young and won't remember. but I will! i didn't struggle with no help from her, for months and months. i don't deal with what i deal with and teach him what i do, without her caring about him. just to waltz out to california for a "long" weekend. i just can not let it go. especially reading how she just told him. basically flat out said, "fuck your wife and what she wants or needs, i'm going to see him." no way! it makes me so, so angry! she hasn't changed, at all, since me taking my child from her. since stopping the emails, and her son being home and not talking to her much either. there has been no change at all. it's gotten worse. don't talk to my husband once a fucking month and expect to get everything you want. don't think you have a right in my two kids life when you have done absolutely nothing but disrespect me for a year and a half. with absolutely no apologize, whatsoever. obviously Ryder is Mikes as well but even he is smarter than to think that this is about to happen. hence the no response. she just ruined her chances, again. and not that we're about to be a family of four, and things between us are a lot better and where they need to be. he's going to stand up for whats right and fair. he's going to protect his family.

yeah, good luck breaking down these walls lady.
i'm not a push over. you haven't fought for any one of us, like i have fought for Mike. from his mom and sister, his friends, everyone. even STILL, almost 3 years and two babies later.
if theres one thing they all taught me, it's how to stay strong, stick to my guns, and fight. fight for what i believe in and what i want and never letting anyone take that from me.
thanks for that.
but you're never going to win.

-ks.

twenty one.

gah, what a good weekend.
due to the holiday, even though we don't like the president, mike had a 72. it was nice having him back for three days after being in the field. and i have to admit, the feeling in my stomach when i saw hi when i picked him up, and the giddiness of our son when his Daddy returned, melted my heart. even though he was wearing under roos when he got home, and made him look like a twelve year old.
we went out to Target, to get out of 29 on Saturday. for my birthday, Mike wanted to get me the pregnancy pillow, since that was our running joke with Ryder in my belly and i use just lay on him. but, i couldn't bring myself to have us spent $55 on a freakin pillow. so, he bought me a big bookshelf instead, and a new book. which, was cheaper than a stinkin pillow. it was a really nice gesture though. and since we had a little extra money from state tax, we bought things we needed for Ry and next baby too. we stocked up more on wipes and baby lotion, shampoo, and bubble bath. as of right now, that's all i will allow us to buy until we find out the gender. we also got him TWELVE month jammies because he's growing like a weed. it makes me sad to see my little bear growing up. but he is such an awesome kiddo!
and then we made a trip to goodwill. foooor, BOOKS!
i have learned to love car rides with Mike. maybe it's the closeness of him being right next to me, knowing whatever i say he can't just walk away from me. and we always talk about our future. it never ceases to amaze me when we do. i look back and i am in total awe at how far we have come. and how, ever since our son was born and he came back, i don't think about the past, hardly at all. i look to our future. where we want to live and what color house we want. who we want our kids to be. all our hopes and wants and dreams. and it's so incredibly nice to hear Mike talk all about it too, and not involving cars or bikes or friends and parts of his "old life" i was so worried when he left for Deployment. how he talked about wanting this, or that, and not appreciating what he already has. every so often he does that, but not nearly as much. and he seems so much happier these last few weeks. i finally get to hear my husband laugh. its the most beautiful noise. we have had so, so many problems that i can't remember the time we really, really just laughed together. and that's been happening a lot more now. it makes me so happy, and gives me a lot of hope of the years to come. finally, finally, i think we're headed in the right direction.
all weekend, he really helped me out. he cleaned what i asked him to, and he finally baby proofed the kitchen which i wanted him to do during post deployment leave. he gave me my "me" time to sit and relax, took care of the dogs and played with Ryder. i sent him to the grocery store with the baby, alone. for the first time in our married life. he has never gone alone. and i was really proud of him with what all he came back with. it's stupid little things like that, that show me how much he has grown up. it's truly, amazing. he didn't understand my excitement about him doing it on his own. but it helped me out a lot! and it gave him some daddy son time.

now, speaking of our amazing son! Ryder is on the go! he is dangerously close to walking. he walks with his toy and pushes it around the house. he stands on his own a lot more now. and his two adorable front bottom teeth are popping through more! and, the other night he got his very own big boy bed!! i got a bed that all together must have cost about $160 originally, for $20 on yardsales. in great condition. when Mike brought it home, Ryder was so excited. he showed a lot of interest in it and it made me smile. obviously, we're keeping him in his crib for awhile longer, but the fact that he got excited over it, was a big deal! we have been practicing walking with him and last night Mike told me he took 3 steps. now, i was upstairs putting his clothes away so, i didn't see. so of course, i don't believe it. haha. but he was pushing his walking toy all over the house. he just needs to build a little bit more confidence and he has it. my big brave boy. <3

today, felt good. i love days that turn out to be productive. i know i should have more, but i have gotten lazy. haha. i picked up Monique and we went to the post office to mail my student loan papers that i needed to like, a month ago. by the time i get Mike's things done, get Ryder and the dogs taken care of, even when Mike is home, i always forget to do what i really need to do. but, i finally did it. then we picked up Ryders new Cars toy organizer, and headed to base. i cashed my birthday checks and went to the MCX. i got my VS Lotion, yum! and of course, stretch mark lotion so i don't get any, i hope. and we went to the thrift store on base and went book hunting. we're going to go book hunting out in Yucca another day this week, sadly, i might have converted her into my addiction. which, is getting really, really bad. i have 160 unread books of mine, just random ones, not including the Harlan Cobens and Jodi Picoults and such i haven't read yet. why i decide to write them all down and keep a list in a notebook, i have no clue. i think when i'm able to cross off a book that's been read, i feel like i accomplished something. when it comes to books, i don't know. it's like, a business for me. i find a good book, i read it. unless it's one of my authors, or really, really good, i sell it. for money that i paid for it, for another book. and i'm glad Mike understands. like he said, it's much better than expensive shoes or clothes. i love a good bargain, thats for sure. and when i ask him if we can go book hunting, he never has a problem with it. even if my bookshelves are currently overflowing in our bedroom. it's really nice that he understands, and doesn't have a problem with it. and he's perfectly okay with being married to "the book lady" haha.

i am so excited for life. on Saturday we find out if we have Bentley or Lyvia. yes, i think we have decided to stick with our first baby girl name. honestly, i'm tired of trying to figure one out that we both like, and one that sounds right. and i wanted to have the name picked out when we find out, so we can call the belly that. then we get to start the new process and pick everything out. and get our butts in gear and set up the second bedroom. we were even talking about, when we move and get a different vehicle, getting a mini van! haha, yes i said it. i, of all people, want a mini van. that is such a damn scary thought! but i love it. i love being a mommy and i still want my five little babies! i am glad that things are back to normal with Monique, seriously. it's amazing how everything has just fallen back into place.   i am happy with the new friends i am making out here as well, i just need to find time and energy to hang out with them. i have weeded out the drama, the immaturity, the past. the past, was a big thing for me. i deleted almost everyone i knew back in high school. all the guys i had a thing for, or did things with. the girls that have no need to see my life. my family, most of all. who just sit and watch my life but don't really care about it. it's been, such a wonderful experience. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i focus now more on my marriage and our family. and getting to where we want to be in life. i have no worries, or fears, about what the future holds for us any longer.
as long as i have my husband and two beautiful babies, my life is complete. <3

-ks.